Suddenly

Suddenly. A striking and immediate manifestation. A sudden new understanding or awareness.

Hmmm. I wish for EPIPHANY. Unfortunately, there are very few sudden revelations, bolts of lightening so compelling that they change forever one's perceptions and beliefs. Instead, we are left to the tyranny of the gradual. And when things do change suddenly it is rarely accompanied by the corresponding insight and knowledge that supports the new reality.

I am in the land of waiting for epiphany, of waiting for revelation and a cataclysmic newness. It's just not happening.  My life changed dramatically last year, a whole new place and a whole new arc of plot. Yet I feel like I am running to catch up with the understanding, the insight, the world. And I'm not sure that I like what has been revealed.

It is in this waiting that I wait for a new job. Will it be the Chief or will it be Union or will I be passed over for both? I don't know if it really matters. I think that the real epiphany is waiting in people. In a person. In people. I think that I really just need to pick a job and go balls to the wall for it like it's the only job that I could possibly have. And I need to more than double down on my domestics.

Is that a revelation? Or is it merely revealing.

I'm lonely and feel like it just needs to be something. I have been adrift long enough and waiting for the flashing oracle to bring me what I need. I probably just need to go make my own epiphany.

“Do you ever feel that way?"
"Lonely?"
I search for the words. "Restless. As if you haven't really met yourself yet. As is you'd passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - 'Ah! There I Am! I've been missing that piece!' But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it."
He nods, and I think he's appeasing me. I feel stupid of having said it. It's sentimental and true, and I've revealed a part of myself I shouldn't have.
"Do you know what I think?" Kartik says at last.
"What?"
"Sometimes, I think you can glimpse it in another.”
― Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing