Well Hello Joshua

I came across this web site/blog + forum tonight. I love it. It has made me feel slightly less jaded and a tad more hopeful. It is by a young man named Josh Hersh who is tender and beautiful and a little awkward and intoxicatingly sweet.

I imagine that he smells of sandalwood and of blondness and of artlessness. I read every single entry in his blog roll. They are simple and poignant - self-challenging and unaffected. They are what I want to be thinking, their freshness and belief what I want to remember thinking. I don't know that I was ever as honeyed. Shit, who am I kidding...I was never anything close.

While he is these things, he does not seem unsophisticated. The opposite in fact - his transparency and desire are highly evolved and his spirituality quite mature. In one of his posts he describes wanting to be numinous - filled with the presence of divinity.

I think he is that. Now, I think we all know my general abdication of things God. I can't take the bullshit and the spinning constructions and soul murdering oppressions. But I can definitely believe in the Joshes of the world. I believe in their rare belief. When I encounter such a mythical beast, I want to acquiesce into their searching, their fragile truth.

It is this collapse into tenderness that I need desperately right now. I am so exhausted and grief-stricken and deeply, deeply angry. It is an interior landscape that I can barely even sublimate - it is oozing out in me physically. My head aches - every day for more than two weeks now - my jaw is throbbing from grinding and grinding at night. The food I am eating is absolute shit, it's killing me. I need a Josh to transfuse me, ravishing him like a vampire for succor.

I will return to The Thoughtful Gay Man and to Josh's tender and elegant sophistication and admonition. Thank you sweet boy, strong man for a few moments rest.