Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

I think about my parents dying. A lot. I think about it not like a lot of people who worry about the loss of support and love and companionship and someone to call for advice. Nope, I think about it as uncertain - how will I handle it? How will I feel? R asked me one evening "how will you feel when your parents die"? It's a tough question to really know the answer to....

But I said: "Relieved".

I don't hate my parents. I have hated them at different points, but not now. I love them but they had to go. It is wrong, it is senseless, it is insane. It has been much more difficult than I anticipated. It is difficult not because my day-to-day life is changed because it hasn't -  I never really depended heavily on them or called them for a lot of support. It's difficult because family is gone. The sense that ultimately there is family available and that there is some cohesion and sense of continuity. That must be what it's like when your parents die.

My parental divorce has been a blow to my equilibrium - affecting me deeply. I think it is the needlessness of it, the disregard for me as a real person, their choice to live by their sword and then be foisted on it. I'm sure that as time goes on, there will be sweet relief. But for now it's just shit.

Here is my letter, the correspondence that filed for divorce. Like a divorce, the decree is not finality. It is only the beginning of another gruesome chapter in a relationship.

BILL OF DIVORCE

Dear Mother and Dad,

I think it’s probably past time for me to share a little bit about where I’m at and what conclusions I have been coming to. More than 5 years ago, you and Dad set some very specific boundaries around what you would tolerate at family gatherings and things that were off limits to discuss or mention. I have been very respectful of those boundaries and respectful of both of you as a son. I have offered help and assistance to our family and spent much of my adult life trying to make the family cohesive with holidays, memories, and sometimes stay afloat financially. I’m not looking for any accolades for that, I enjoyed doing it.

I have a different family now. R and C are the focus of my family attention and love. It has been very frustrating and hurtful not to have even this reality acknowledged and to attend family gatherings as if he did not exist. I have done so out of the respect for the rules that you established. I have shaken my head countless times at the many violent, objectionable men [my sister] was permitted to bring to any function, any time and they were at least politely addressed and ate at our table. Yet, I have a great relationship with someone who is loving and decent who must remain completely unspoken and unacknowledged.

Over the past 15 months, R has had a stroke, a severely broken leg and ankle requiring two surgeries, a cardiac arrest from arrhythmia, and a heart cath with angioplasty and a stent. This has been extremely stressful on its own but combined with school and work has been a huge challenge.  When Rr had his stroke we were stuck in Tiffin, C was with us- it was a very hot day. I needed someone to come and support me and take C and just be available. You and Dad were the last people on earth I could call.

We are so fortunate to have friends who serve as family. We have people who we can call any time for anything and they will support us and we certainly return that support. I have a life full of people who respect me both personally and professionally and consider me a kind, generous, smart person who is willing to help people in need. That is such a blessing.

Unfortunately, I am convinced that your opinion of me is very different. …I know that I am perceived as selfish, aloof and uncaring and that is just not accurate. That perception absolutely dumbfounds the people who know me and get support from me every day. I have tried to keep in touch with you, albeit not on a regular schedule. I can easily say that I have reached out to you and Dad far more than you have to me. In January, my New Year’s resolution was to have at least one positive contact with you each month. Now, it’s just too much.

I really don’t have a connection with you that is viable. That used to infuriate me, depress me, and frustrate me. Now, it just makes me a little sad. There’s really no reason for me to attend family functions, I absolutely do not need or want anything from you. I’m no longer hurt or angry, I’m just done.

I want you to fully remember that these are your rules and your boundaries. I was told explicitly that no one I was with would ever be welcome at family functions and that you did not want to know anything about it. I did my best to straddle both worlds but I am not going to do that anymore. You have chosen compliance with rules over relationship and I will respect that but not participate.

I love you both but there is no reason for me to continue to invest in trying to make a relationship with you.

D.S.