Repeat the Sounding Joy!

It's Christmas Eve, gentle readers, and I have made the decision that I will allow myself to move into the next phase of my life without encumbrance or delay. I will deliberately create what I desire in my life, allowing the change to be created in joy.

I reread the statements that I included in a previous post and I find them even more appropriate for this moment in my experience than when I first posted them, therefore, I will repeat them:

• It is easier to come into alignment with source when you are withdrawing from things that are taking you out of alignment.
• If you see something that was bothersome and you look away from it, you leave the vibration right where it was.
• Ask yourself - how would my inner being approach this subject? How is my inner being seeing this? What aspect of you does my inner being see?
• Aligning with who you are and then co-creating with others is the best.
• When you reach the place that you don't need to demand of them that they be in alignment when you play with them - because you are - now you've got it.
• The art of allowing is allowing them whether they allow me or not.

In order for me to deliberately create joy my life, I must withdraw from things that will create what I do not want. At first, I took this to mean that I would disallow my partner our current living arrangement,

Too negative.

I will allow us both to move to a place where it is easier to create in joy than decompensate in misery. In any case, that means I will allow myself to claim my physical space and ask that he move on and out.

This is what I want. This is what will help me create my next reality. I feel such relief in this idea. I had in my mind that I would actually suspend creation in my life until it was convenient for him to move. His reality, although important to me, is not mine to create. I must be free to be joyful as must he.I am not willing to live in suspended animation.

That means, bye bye.

I honestly feel that I am coming to this in love - for myself and for him. I am not angry, not bitter, and not in a drama-induced frenzy. I will be gentle and kind, but deliberate about my intention. Repeat the sounding joy that is who I am.

Check this out. I have NO idea what the video is about but the narration is spot on.

We Are Complete

Things have a way of just happening together – at the right time, and with confirmation from multiple sources. Last week the readings were from Luke, recounting the meeting of Mary and Elizabeth. The story is numbingly familiar: Mary tells her cousin that she is pregnant and immediately a child, destined to be John the Baptist, leaps within her.

The kicker of this is – Elizabeth couldn’t have children, and it’s pretty clear from her description that she beyond child-bearing in age. The Greek word (yes, I can still summon a few, it was, after all a quarter of my undergrad) here is probaino. The term is translated here to mean “old age” but in reality it means “advancing, or going on”.

On Saturday morning, a friend shared her spin on this story. She said that every time there is a biblical reference to someone being “too old” – that is the time that something great is about to transpire. Wow. Staring down the double barrel of my 45^th birthday, that is a wonderful thought. Something great is about to transpire.

It was also Saturday that the partner phase of my relationship came to a close. It does not seem like it is “over”, rather it is complete. The tasks that brought us together have been accomplished and thus the moving on is only hopeful and a bit nostalgic. I have no need for drama or animosity, just good wishes that the next phase of his life will be as wonderful as I anticipate mine to be.

There is something happening within me. I’m not saying that it is leaping within me like a kid destined to eat locusts, but there is something at work. I am calmer, happier, more at peace. I have the sense that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be. This Law of Attraction business is working on me in a way that things haven’t for a long time. I am going to allow it to continue to work and not presuppose what will happen. I will, however, have deliberate intentions about the types of energy I resonate.

Something from the Abraham-Hicks CD stands out: it is easier to be well than to be sick, it is easier to have plenty than to be poor, it is easier to love than to hate, it is easier to be yourself than to try to be someone else.

There is something happening, gentle reader. I will keep you posted. I certainly don’t anticipate that I will ever be a tender hippy, espousing new age platitudes and ideologies. But I can definitely be a nicer, happier guy.

In the words of Abraham, “there is great love for you here. We are complete.”

Allowing Greener Grass

There is greener grass. There is always something more abundant and wonderful and available if we desire it. This does not have to mean dissatisfaction, it can mean that wonderful desire for more.

I don't think this has to be a value judgment on our current circumstances. You don't have to hate your job to aspire to a more fulfilling and lucrative one. You don't have to dislike your partner to know that you have learned what you needed to learn and then move to a new experience that can teach you something amazing and then urge you on.

This is totally the opposite of my mental construct. I always thought that people only do things differently because of misery. Clinically, I was trained to ingrain it in everyone: when they hit bottom, they'll change (or die). Wrong, wrong, wrong. I see now that people NEVER change because of pain, they change because they have a hope that things can be different, better. We change because something draws us to richer experience and greater beauty. That idea is counter-intuitive to lots of clinical perspectives and certainly a lot of theological ones.

I grew up in a theofallacy that people seek God to avoid hell. Not to gain joy or hope or sweetness. Just to circumvent the eternal barbecue. Nice. You don't deserve happiness or bliss or satisfaction or stuff. You get those as accidents if you hate yourself enough to make God pity you, and then they are just vapors that evanesce at someone else's whim.

When your primary relational construct is based on this dearth-theology, it has to be the architecture of your partner relationships. I'll never get everything I want in one person, so I need to take this dude or that trick or this other guy and try to make it work for that elusive LTR.

Maybe, just maybe, the only LTR we ever really have is with ourselves. Maybe instead of wrapping ourselves in the seamless blanket of someone else and hoping - praying - there are no holes which will let in cold air, we need to view relationships very differently. Perhaps relationships are more like quilts, pieced together from people and characteristics and times and alonenesses and emotions that we collect over time. It's not that anyone is disposable or just exists for what you need from them or doesn't have independent purpose outside of your use for them. They are quilting with your contribution to them as well.

Nowhere is this idea more foreign than in the drama of being queer. Fagdom relies on an utter commitment to dualism. He's either hot OR he's not. He is either the "one", the husband of dreams, the prince OR he is ex, the devil who is spoken of only in veiled hisses to our equally dissatisfied friends. It's all good OR it's all bad. This dichotomy is found elsewhere in nature: adolescence. It is the developmental task of preference. Learning to prefer is appropriate work for 14 year olds. Celebrating preference is the work of adults.

Sometimes the grass IS greener. The more that I am honest about my preferences, about my aspirations, my desires, the less I need to have other people be all one thing or another. Or everything. I will allow every person and relationship to add a piece to my quilt, but I will be responsible for creating my own warmth. Not only is there nothing wrong with that, it is AMAZING!

In the mean time, I will let Miss Barbra Joan Streisand inspire us:

Good Vibrations

Dr. Tracy, my fantastic psychotherapist gave me a CD at my last session. It is about ALLOWING. It is clear that when I get too caught up in controlling things - people mostly - that I am really not allowing myself to function at my happiest. The speakers are the co-creators of the idea of the law of attraction. Rather, they are the channelers of this idea. When you allow yourself to vibrate at your truest self, then you are happy and fulfilled, regardless of the behavior or interactions of others. This CD is a combination of things that are really sensible, universal even. It also has some whack job shit on it that I'm just not ready to embrace. True to the AA adage, I will take what I need and leave the rest.

By far the most difficult things in my life right now are relationships. Work is great - I love what I am doing, I am grateful for my job, I am paid well and have great benefits. Work is defining for me so that nails a huge part of my life satisfaction when that is in line.

But relationships are more complicated. Several posts ago I talked about some really crazy people at church who are just making things unpleasant as I try to help them out with music. They are blocking my chi. I allow myself to unblock it.

Of course, my partner relationship is the most difficult. It is generally devoid of the fag drama that salts most of these relationships. Generally, I said.

I think it's clear to both of us, at least it is clear to me, that this is not forever. This is for right now. Maybe that's all any relationship ever really is. There are lots of things that are good, and as many that are not good. Whatever the mix on any given day, it is simply a relationship that does not vibrate where I desire it to. I will not allow myself to relax into it and depend on it. These are difficult things for me to do under any circumstances. The difficulty is compounded by being with someone who doesn't get my frequency. That's okay, he doesn't have to.

Here is a video clip of the Law of Attraction. I have summoned some quotes from the clip to reflect on this week.

• It is easier to come into alignment with source when you are withdrawing from things that are taking you out of alignment.
• If you see something that was bothersome and you look away from it, you leave the vibration right where it was.
• Ask yourself - how would my inner being approach this subject? How is my inner being seeing this? What aspect of you does my inner being see?
• Aligning with who you are and then co-creating with others is the best.
• When you reach the place that you don't need to demand of them that they be in alignment when you play with them - because you are - now you've got it.
• The art of allowing is allowing them whether they allow me or not.